https://slama.dev/comeback/
Uncle, it's spring.
So what?
In spring I always wash your bedsheet.
Hey, Ivuska, it's barely been a month since it stopped being soft and smelling like flowers.
So you hid it from me in the closet again.
They're beautiful.
I bought them from that old geezer who normally hands out the Watchtower in front of the supermarket.
Yeah, spring.
Yeah.
What are these flowers called?
Roses.
Marcelka, don't let him near the flowers.
Either he's trying to roll something from them, or he eats them.
Last time he polished off four planters of tulips.
He made onion soup from them.
Uncle.
Is something wrong with you?
No, why?
I also noticed something's going on with you.
This morning you greeted me.
Hey, bimbo.
Oh, no.
Good morning, Marcelka.
I didn't say it like that.
Yes you did.
And he held the door for two old ladies on their way out.
He yelled after them, at least get lost, you idiots.
Exactly, he didn't.
Unusual.
Uncle, what have you got there?
Nothing.
Show me your hand.
The other one.
Shakira?
Beyonce?
Lucka Vondrackova?
You normally wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole.
I was just looking at the covers.
Exactly.
I need to see Dad.
Why?
I just looked at it and sniffed it here, what's the big deal?
You know damn well why.
Marcelka, keep an eye on him.
And if he does anything suspicious, write it all down immediately.
Exclamation mark.
Colon, dash, parenthesis.
Damn, here we go again.
Hi, Iva.
Hi.
Do you know what this means?
Colon, dash, parenthesis.
I looked it up in a Slovak-Czech dictionary, but I don't know where a colon is in the alphabet.
You've been chatting with that fake Slovak girl.
Dana happens to be sincere.
She just wrote me that I understand her like no one else in the world and that she wants to meet me in person.
Oh, I'm sure.
Lexa, you understand me like no one else in the world, I'd like to meet you in person.
If I were you, I wouldn't risk it.
Unless you want a date with a fifty-year-old bald guy.
I don't think she'd take Dad on a date.
Lexa, you're such a loser.
It's been proven that every pretty girl on the internet is a guy.
That's not true.
She sent me her photo.
Wow, really pretty.
Plus she reminds me of someone.
Like Venus, but prettier.
A bald guy reads the same magazines as me.
He sent you a photo of a model from an ad for a hair remover.
She did say she's a model, actually.
Right.
And she studies archaeology and Hebrew.
The world is just teeming with those.
And she's definitely going to Africa to save children with malaria.
I talked her out of that.
Lexa, Dad will be here any minute, I need to discuss something with him.
I don't mind.
And neither does Dana.
Scram, Lexa.
See you tomorrow then, little beak.
Off you go, little beak.
The bald guy will wait.
Once I have a laptop, nothing will stand between me and Dana.
And she'll finally press you to her hairy chest.
Scram.
Dad.
Ozzak sniffed the flowers today.
What, is he dead?
No, then I'd say something like, Dad, all the beers in the fridge are yours now.
But he's okay, right?
Today he sold a Madonna compilation just because a woman asked for it.
Well, that could've been a coincidence.
He put on cologne this morning.
Maybe he just missed his mouth.
He told Marcelka she looks nice.
Really?
You know, I was thinking, could it be that thing?
No, it can't be that, a tick bit him or something.
Admit it, spring fever is hitting Ozzak again.
Jesus, Mary, he just promised he'd never do it again.
You can't fight nature.
Maybe this year it'll turn out normal.
And that is normal — a guy wants to have fun, a woman thinks it's love, the guy goes back to beer and the woman wants revenge.
You know, does that seem normal to you?
Of course.
What's not normal is that Ozzak always picks some woman who can destroy us.
Yeah, like when he picked up your tax auditor?
Yeah, we almost ended up under a bridge.
Yeah, but then she got married and there was peace.
Except the policewoman from anti-piracy didn't get married.
If they hadn't transferred her to homicide, she'd still be checking every CD in the store.
Wait, was that the woman who dug up our garden?
No, the garden was dug up by Jana from the drug squad.
Why are these women so vengeful?
What are we going to do?
What about grandma's?
Like that time when he dumped the pyrotechnician.
And we're not going to leave him alone with Marcelka.
Jesus Christ.
Marcelka.
She hates him too.
You can't fight nature.
Come in.
Ozzak.
And then I started working at a garden center.
That was my first job.
But then the cops came, collected all the plants and burned them.
And that was the end of that job.
Oops.
Ozzak, what's the meaning of this?
Mr. Ozzak is telling me about his life.
Did you know he was a porn surgeon?
Well.
Here you go.
Would you like anything else?
No thank you, I have everything.
That's enough!
Iva, take Marcelka to the kitchen immediately, you, bro, go to your room.
But...
Come on, it's for your own good.
Come on.
What are you doing?
I saw her first.
Right now.
We were just chatting.
I'll have a chat with you about that.
But.
You have to excuse him.
But for God's sake, why?
Today he acted like a human being for the first time.
Marcelka, I won't beat around the bush.
Take a vacation.
Did I do something wrong?
You want to fire me?
How could you think that?
My husband sends people on vacation like this and when they come back, they don't have jobs anymore.
Those who come back.
No, I'm serious.
Go, Marcelka, come back in a month.
Wait, it's never lasted longer than three weeks.
Fine, three weeks then, everything will be fine after that.
For God's sake, Tomas, what's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing's going on.
Wow.
Last time we agreed you'd report it.
It's not that big a deal, is it?
Not a big deal — you hit on your coworker.
Ozzak, we're your family and when spring hits you, you have to tell us.
Should I also report when I go for a beer?
When you go for a beer, bro, everything around you doesn't collapse.
Yeah it does.
Yeah, mainly and God knows what else.
Be glad we caught it early.
You want Marcelka to dig up our garden?
Yeah, Janicka, that one really should've grabbed a pitchfork.
Ozzak, you simply have a ban and that's that.
You have no right to do that.
I'm ordering you as your...
Younger brother.
I'd like to know who decided that an older brother always has to listen to his younger one.
It's in the constitution.
Can I at least go to the hallway?
Absolutely not!
The building manager just stopped sending you hate messages a month ago.
I'm not going to risk her taking our basement again.
Ruzenka, hmm, she's got some...
Ozzak!
Hello.
Wow, Mr. Ozzak, I ran into the building manager and she's got some...
Lexa!
Buzz off.
Lexa!
Stop me all you want, love conquers all.
My thoughts exactly, Mom was supposed to get me a laptop and then nothing will stand between me and Diana.
Who's Diana?
She's a guy who likes young boys.
Uncle Horvat went to the store for the laptop three times already, but they were always open.
You mean closed, right?
Mom said open.
That does sound weird though.
Lexa, tell your sister she can't visit Iva.
Until further notice, no women are allowed in this apartment.
And Dana can come?
Dana can come.
Women can't.
Why are they sending me on vacation?
Did I do something wrong?
I've got the invoices in order, I got rid of the mold on the wall.
You used lye?
Yes, Ozzak licked it right off himself.
He probably ate another expired hamburger patty and needed to fix the taste.
It was actually nice of him.
And he's been so pleasant lately.
Are you confusing him with someone?
Like someone pleasant?
He's like a different person.
He opened the door for me.
Beer.
He complimented my hairdo.
Oh damn.
Here we go again.
Maybe I should send Sasa to grandma's this year.
If I were you.
I'd rather go somewhere far away.
I can't leave Mr. Ozzak alone.
You see?
You feel it too, don't you?
What?
Ozzak, of course.
Well, it's true that lately he smells like freshly washed windows.
But it's nice.
Ladies, I'll put it simply.
Once in a while it comes over Ozzak...
And no woman is safe around him.
Around Ozzak?
Pheromones, I'd say.
Or something from outer space.
Either way, first he starts being likable, then tells stories from his life, offers you a beer, and if you're not careful, the worst happens.
That's nonsense.
When I want to be, I'm like a bank.
Tunneled?
Impregnable.
Yeah, that's what the one who lasted three days said too.
Well excuse me.
He has his bright moments, but he's a brute.
And only some idiot could fall for him.
Don't be so sure.
When he turns it on, the best you can do is lock yourself in the fridge.
Hmm, I'd like to see that.
Wow, Mr. Ozzak, you're a real stud.
They have to lock you at home so women don't throw themselves at you.
It's the opposite for me.
Women lock me out.
Women.
You bang on the door in vain, fake an epileptic seizure.
Good thing I've got this.
These boxes are women.
There's basically nothing else in there.
What kind?
Well, all kinds.
Just type www.
iwantawoman.
cz and then these categories open up.
Poetry, lust, plastic windows.
That's just an ad.
But there are tons of categories, see?
Girl seeking girl, casual flirt, serious only.
What does "I'll come right away" mean?
Like for lunch?
No, it just means I'll come right away.
Not for us, we want a long-term relationship.
I see.
But me and Deana.
That's something completely different.
Yeah.
So I'm supposed to pick a woman like a CD in a store?
Exactly.
Just register and then you just click on her.
What do I do to her?
Well, click.
You know that, right?
Sure.
I'm not stupid.
And then you just wait for a reply.
This internet thing.
One click and I met Diana.
I see.
Hey, Lexa, let me use that computer for a bit.
I need to calculate something.
Calculate something in private.
It's broken or something.
Wow, Dad, if he weren't my uncle.
I'd have to send you on vacation too.
His attitude toward women is just awful.
But you're too hard on him.
He doesn't have it easy.
Yeah, but neither do we.
Why can't he just find a normal girlfriend?
But it's not easy being Ozzak's girlfriend.
Look, one went deaf at a Motorhead concert, she had to stand by the speaker to really enjoy it.
And then there was that flight attendant who actually went to work at a brewery because of him.
Now she's a lager.
She ended up in the hospital?
No, in the brewing vat.
In Klasterec?
In Krusovice, supposedly an accident.
And what about you?
Well, I haven't drunk beer since.
No, I mean why haven't you found someone too?
But I always attracted weird types.
Look, once one forced me to sign my name ten times on a date.
Wait, that's not so bad.
Except she told me you can trade ten Pacovskys for one Schwarzenegger.
That hurts.
But there were some who wanted to stay with me, well, with us.
But none of them passed Ozzak's entrance exam.
And what was that?
Chug a bottle of rum against the clock?
No, prove that she loves you as much as he does.
None of them passed.
Can I come in?
I just noticed it says "women entry forbidden" here.
No, that's a typo.
It should say "women entry commanded."
Iva's here.
We have to write an essay about spring and I don't know what to write.
Why don't you ask Uncle Ozzak?
He knows everything about spring.
Come, sit down.
Sit down?
Nobody's ever said anything so nice to me.
About spring, you say?
If I had to write about spring, I'd write that it's the time of year when you feel completely different and feel things you don't usually feel.
Suddenly the world is amazing.
Like when you're wasted.
But drunk on something else, something beautiful.
Spring is like when they open the windows at the pub.
Or they mop the bathrooms and bring those colorful little soaps.
You know?
Spring is like waking up in the morning after a party.
Everyone's asleep, but the music's still playing.
By the way, what music do you listen to, Sasa?
Jarek Nohavica.
And?
And.
And what?
He also plays guitar, right?
I keep babbling and I haven't offered you anything.
Let me go to the kitchen.
What do you want?
For you to stay here with me, I can do something for you too.
Well, can you tell me how I can, you know, do that...
Click?
Like on a computer?
Yeah, with the mouse.
The mouse?
Obviously.
Sasa, go home!
This is a job for an experienced woman.
What's going on?
Tired of the Three Little Pigs?
Are you in some cult?
If so, I don't want a subscription.
Mom, I have to tell you something.
I'm in love.
No way.
And I bet five kilos it wouldn't happen until college.
I'll take it out of your allowance.
He's amazing, really.
He actually cares about me.
So he's a weirdo.
That was to be expected.
Well, that's nice.
Try to enjoy it.
Let it flow.
It's not Lexa, right?
Someone from school?
So he's older?
Great, experienced.
He doesn't drink, by any chance?
Great, he'll go to the pub in the evening and you'll have some peace.
Is he clean?
Excellent, you won't have to do his laundry.
Girl, you've got good taste, just like me.
And then you'll tell me who this boy is.
You know him.
It's Mr. Ozzak.
Right.
You know what, Sasenka?
Come with me.
Come with me to the back, I'll show you something.
Come on.
One day you'll thank me.
Hey, Horvat.
You got it?
How much do you want for them?
Two hundred.
Per one?
I'm a fool, two hundred per kilo.
This one's the lightest, I'll take it.
If you want, I've also got a fridge and a dishwasher on the cart.
How much for the fridge?
I can't open that fridge right now.
It was stronger than me.
Marcelka, you don't realize what could've happened.
We got there just in time.
He must have slipped something in my drink.
And you were drinking?
That's the thing, nothing.
And he was so sweet and attentive that I almost felt like hugging him.
In the morning you'd wake up and you know who'd be lying next to you?
Him.
Nobody would be lying next to you.
Ozzak would've been at the pub ages ago and when he'd see you, he'd call you bimbo again.
That scoundrel.
What about Ozzak?
I showed him where the mouse is on the computer and he looked happy.
Gather yourselves, we'll figure something out.
Tomas, now I really need that vacation.
But what about Sasa?
Sasa?
Mom said you don't need to worry about her.
Weird.
Who'd worry about her?
Well, I really must be going, Mr. Pacovsky.
I'll stop by to see my husband on the way, in case he's got it too.
Spring.
Impressed, huh?
Now I've got Dana with me all the time.
I need to check right away if she wrote me something.
Nothing.
Hey.
Mr. Ozzak created an account on iwantawoman.
cz.
An account?
What does that mean?
It means he can arrange a date through the internet.
Has he arranged any yet?
I don't know.
We'd need to know his password, which isn't easy to guess.
Try Ozzak.
We're in.
Wow, you're a genius.
I still had "beer" and "metal" in reserve.
But what does that red number mean?
It means Mr. Ozzak is a hit on the internet.
Hundreds and hundreds of offers.
Has he replied to any?
Yeah.
He even set up a date.
My God, who's going to come after us this time? Who is this woman?
Someone from the "serious offers only" section.
Damn, she looks pretty dangerous.
Her profile says "a kitty who likes to scratch."
So Prkanova.
No, Lada Kacanova.
Kacanova the engineer?
The one who handles commercial spaces at City Hall?
She writes here, during the day I'm bored at the office.
But at night my true self awakens.
It's her.
We'll lose the store.
In an hour they have a date at Hotel Kopule.
Hold Ozzak, I'll go after her, I'll try to explain it to her somehow.
You could've just written to Ozzak that the date's cancelled.
But you'd need to know her password.
You mean Lada?
Great.
But you'd never guess my password.
Only on the second try.
I thought you knew Lexa is spelled with an X. Come on.
Diana wrote you.
Oh, show me.
Is she on her way here?
I can't take it anymore, we have to meet.
What is it?
Aren't you happy?
I thought you couldn't wait to touch it.
The bald head.
Why aren't you going home, Lexa?
I don't want to leave you here waiting alone.
But I'm not waiting for anyone.
Uncle wrote that it can be waited out and Dad should be home any minute.
Why aren't you getting ready for your internet girlfriend?
You know, the thing with Dana might actually be a bit different.
What happened, what happened?
She wrote you that her middle name is Helmut.
We'll keep the store, don't ask me anything.
No, no, no, don't ask me anything.
I'm here.
Thank God, Bejk.
Uncle!
Don't ask me anything, kiddo.
So it looks like I can finally take down the sign that says women forbidden.
Oh, Lexa.
Hey, Uncle, what's up?
Give me that laptop, quick.
Don't ask me anything.
You're lucky, Horvat.
Now go get that fridge and maybe you'll get off with probation.
See ya.
Hey, Lexa, hi.
But I'm not Lexa, Lexa is over there.
What?
So you're not Danuska?
But I'm exactly as sensitive as you know me.
My friends told me the internet is full of creeps.
Pig.
Don't ask me anything.
You can't fight nature.
I resisted.